A lot of people look forward to holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving, but when you live for calories more than you live for family, you look forward to real holidays like today, November 16th, 2017: aka National Fast Food Day.
As far as us smokers are concerned, Natty Fatty is one of the most important holidays in existence. There’s nothing like scooping up a sack of your favorite greenery, then also scooping up a sack of your favorite processed vittles to make the cycle complete. And for that reason, I’ve hit the googles and compiled a list of 10 secret fast food items that we should all get super smacked to and eat in honor of this glorious day.
The Double Filet-O-Fish
A lot of people hate on the Filet-O-Fish, but real ones know it’s one of the most prime fast food sandwiches out there. I mean, come on: a little Alaskan pollock, some processed cheese, and a dollop of tartar sauce; what more can you ask for?
The answer: an extra fish patty and an extra slice of cheese, that’s what. McDonalds had the double Filet-O-Fish sandwiches for a limited time back in the day, but you can still get it custom-made. Treat yourself and ask for one.
The KFC Triple Down
Son, I remember when the Double Down dropped in college and everyone was like “Wow, that looks like an edible heart attack,” and I was like “Challenge accepted.” The Double Down is basically a bacon and cheese sandwich, but instead of bread, they use fried chicken patties. So it’s a chicken, bacon, and cheese sandwich. Toss in an extra chicken patty, and voila, you’ve got a Triple Down. This is the perfect sandwich for a stoner living a carefree life.
Popeye’s Cajun Sparkle Seasoning
Cajun Sparkle seasoning is the best topping in the entire fast food realm and people barely even know about it. Even Bourdain swears by it. The flavor is tough to describe, but it takes like a natural herbal seasoning with a salty kick. Or it takes like magic.
Stop by, grab yourself a two-piece combo, then request some Cajun Sparkle and your taste buds will thank you.
Wendy’s Meat Cube
The Wendy’s Meat Cube, aka the Grand Slam, aka the Wow, I’m Really on One If I Order this, looks disgusting, but when you’re high out of your mind it’ll probably taste like a gift from the gods. It’s basically just a big-ass 1-lb cheeseburger with like 77 meat patties and slices of cheese on it. You’ll probably take three bites and be completely full, but the good news is you’ll have leftovers for after you re-up on bong hits.
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Showing you dispensaries nearThe Whataburger 5-3-1
This was a limited edition burger that Whataburger dropped back in 2010, and I still think about it to this very day. It was basically a burger with onion rings and secret sauce on it, but it was still the single best fast food burger I’ve ever had. It’s gone now, but you can still order it (I asked the Whataburger Twitter account): get a double meat Whataburger (veggies only), add extra pickles, sub the mustard for creamy pepper sauce, add one white and one yellow cheese, then get a side of onion rings to toss on there and bang bang, you’re in the game.
The McDonald’s McGangBang
Everyone knows about the McGangBang, and if you don’t, then National Fast Food Day is the perfect opportunity to get acquainted. All you need is a McDouble, a McChicken, and a little willpower. Toss the McChicken into the middle of the McDouble, then eat it all as one happy sandwich. It sounds gross, but I promise it tastes sooooo good, especially if you dip that joint in Sweet & Sour sauce. Get stoned before eating it and it’ll taste even better.
Burger King’s Suicide Burger
Pull up to the drive-thru speaker and when they ask for your order, just reply “Yo, I’m tryna die tonight, I’ll see you at the window” and they’ll know exactly what you’re talking about. Or maybe they won’t and they’ll call the cops because that was an obvious cry for help. Either way, the Burger King Suicide Burger is four beef patties, four slices of cheese, four slices of bacon, and the BK special sauce. It’s so damn unnecessary, but it’s National Fast Food Day and we need to celebrate properly.
Taco Bell Chili Cheese Burrito
I have no clue why it’s not on the menu, or why some Taco Bells don’t even offer it, but the Chili Cheese Burrito is seriously the best thing they offer. Add sour cream for that extra payow and you’ll be in agreement. Plus, they’re only like $1.25, so you can order like 17 of them and it won’t break the bank.
Chick-fil-A Fried Chicken Club (Spicy Deluxe Edition)
I’m not even sure if this is a secret, but my boy Aaron said he’d never even thought about it and I made the confused Scooby Doo sound. Chick-fil-A only offers the grilled chicken club, but to bounce around that for an unhealthier option, simply order a spicy deluxe sandwich, add bacon, and that’s it. That’s all the spicy fried chicken club is. Yet, there are people going through life without eating this. Don’t be one of those people. Not today. Not ever.
Arby’s Meat Mountain
This is only here because it exists, but even I wouldn’t eat this shit. But if you’re on your Get High and Do a Fast Food Challenge-type shit, this is where you should go with it. The Arby’s Meat Mountain is made of every meat they offer: chicken tenders, roast turkey, pit-smoked ham, corned beef, smoked brisket, Angus steak, roast beef, and pepper bacon. Plus some cheddar and swiss cheese. I can’t even front like that doesn’t sound like the biggest mistake one can make. So go ahead and make it. Enjoy.
